Over the weekend, something happened, something huge happened. It started with Friday night. I was on the laptop and needed to create a document in Word. As I opened the app, a document was already opened but I ignored it since I needed to quickly type out something I needed for Saturday. Once I was done, I was naturally curious to see what was in the already opened doc entitled “Journey To London”. It started innocently enough with description of his trip in London from Day One and Day Two and so forth. So I just went ahead and scrolled all the way to the end of the doc and started reading these lines of messages, something like a draft for an email to someone. Upon reading, it was startlingly obvious that it was meant for her. He was commenting on his boss and the new intern at work, on her mother’s house being sold or something rather, on her biking abilities and some other comments regarding his side trip to Italy.
Immediately I asked him, “What the hell is all that??!” He exploded saying how can I snoop and why did I read it, and that he has no privacy whatsoever and on and on. He was in rage; sweating profusely and yelling at the top of his lungs. (This is how he gets after I found out something that he shouldn’t have been doing, every single time) After he calmed down a bit, he began to tell me that those are only his writing as he was supposed to try to write when he was in London. He said it was his way of saying goodbye to her. I was furious of course. Why does he still cling on to her, why does he still need to write or think about her?? True, I can’t control what he’s thinking about, but at least can’t he control what he writes down? He said it was a way for him get it out of his system, that it was a way for him to wrap up his friendship with her. Sounds like BS enough but I just listened. I told him I just can’t have him think about her for the rest of his life; the rest of our lives. He said he wasn’t planning on doing that. It was something he needed to do, and he wrote it down and now it’s over. We went to bed at 4am that morning, but we both couldn’t sleep and ended up making love and went to bed by 6.
We had a long day Saturday but one time when we were out, he commented on something that happened in Italy to one of our friends and that just reminded me again of Friday night’s discovery. When we got home I went straight to the laptop to find that word doc. It was gone as he said would delete it the night before. But Lo and Behold! There were drafts of the word doc still on the laptop and I found half of what was written. And alas, why am I not surprised? He was lying about writing a novel, that it was just some materials he wrote down. The first half of the draft was his description of his trip but the second half is her reply back to his first email. What a fucking liar. Her email was just some gibberish about work, her taking spinning classes to improve on her bike riding (what the hell are you paying a spin class for when you’re supposedly trying to find money for your interview in London? Lying bitch, of course). She also mentioned that she’s torn; on one hand she doesn’t want this email communication to end but on the other hand, she misses his laugh, his face bla bla bla. She added that she missed reading his blog and that she’s having writer’s block. I guess she hasn’t been writing in her blog. You know what, it’s not writer’s block, it’s called “he has stopped reading your desperate blog so that’s why you’ve stopped writing” block. More general mentions about the movies she saw with her mother but of course she has to end the email with her missing their talks together but then she didn’t want to fill the email with any more sad stuff. Why sad stuff? Because they have agreed that there will be zero contact once he gets back from London.
So, he lied to me when he said he didn’t email her. They weren’t only writing materials after all. They were actual emails intended for her and she even replied him back. Can I ever trust him again when it comes to their communication together? When I have been disappointed time and time again. First when I discovered her blog for him, and that he was replying her blog through his blog. Then it was another blog for him when the first one was found, there was constant communications, book club talks, coffee breaks, and even before he left for London he had to sit in the car with her because she was crying. Crying? Then let her cry in the damn bathroom, WTF you have to sit in her car for??! Oh now that I’m thinking about it, there were so many that has happened that disappointed the hell out of me. Is this a man who’s supposedly trying to rebuild his marriage with his wife? I’m more than confused. And now, just a week ago you had email conversations with her when you’re supposed to think about things in London??
He said this is his way of ending things with her forever. He said, “Remember when I told you that once I get back from London, we would be good? That I’ll be 100% committed to us? That’s what I meant by that. But I couldn’t possibly tell you because you would be gone when I come back home from London”. He might be right. He said London was something they had talked about considerably especially during the time we were separated. She had been to London so they had shared a lot of talks about London. So supposedly, this email chain was the last thing, and she’s out of his system forever. I asked him, “Are you sure?? A month from now if we go to Spain, is that going to make you think about what you’ve talked to her again? If we go ice fishing someday, would that possibly remind you of some conversation you’ve had with her?” I must have asked him “Are you sure” a hundred times that night. I told him I won’t be surprised though if a few weeks from now, or months I’d find another email or text or blog or something. As I’ve said, I’ve been disappointed by his actions more than I can count.
He promised me that the email was it, nothing else. That London was supposed to be THE last thing that tied them together. No more communications from now on. Well, only time will tell. More on this soon…
Fighterandsurvivor's Blog 