Memorial Indeed.

The Saturday on Memorial Day Weekend will be our 1 year Anniversary of Getting Back together.  I was extremely excited that after all the waiting and ultimately being separated from my husband and from my own home, I was finally being reunited with him and being able to come home again.  Only a few weeks prior, I absolutely believed that I would never see my husband ever again.  Even now the thought of never seeing my best friend again makes me so emotional and sad.

I have to say though, if you think that just because your husband wanted you back in his life after about 2 months of indecision and uncertainty, doesn’t mean that he’s back in it 100%.  Nope, not at all.  For the first few months, he was down and quite confused.  I believe he was still doubtful of my change and if he could ever be happy again, happier with me than with her, I suppose.  I believe that he had a big problem not being able to still be friends with Her.  I too was confused as hell, especially after being able to read both of  their blogs.  On one hand he was back with me but on the other, he was giving her hope about them being together again… WTF??  Who wouldn’t be confused?!  (Later he admitted that he felt so guilty about involving her in the affair with him so he was trying to let her down ever  so gently… whatever…)  That subsequently gave her so much hope even she declared to him that she thought he wouldn’t last with me and would be back with her again.  What a douche.

But on that one sunny Saturday, I was filled with so much hope, joy and happiness when we met up for brunch that day.  Being able to see his face and his sweet smile again was a bit hard to believe.  We talked as if we were on a date, as if we haven’t seen each other for a lifetime.  We had a wonderful lunch together and when we were finished, he followed me to my friend’s place where I had been staying.  He helped with my luggage and all my stuff.  By nightfall, I was at home again.  It was all quite surreal.

I will forever remember that Memorial Day Weekend and I am sure that I will forever associate this holiday weekend as our Anniversary.

Hoping for Closure

Today, about 4 hours ago, I just sent what hopefully will be my last email to Her (it had only been one email prior).  And strangely, I have this calmness inside that even surprised me.  I thought that I would be an emotional wreck before and after sending the letter but I think I’ve read the draft email so many times that I felt somewhat relieved after hitting the ‘send’ button.

For this past week or so, I’ve been having this need to tell Her what was on my mind.  Not in a bad way, like telling her off, but believe me the thought of cussing this stupid woman out have crossed my mind more than once.  As time goes by, I believe I am getting stronger, at least when it comes to Her.  Up until recently,  I couldn’t stand the thought of discussing about ‘the source of all Evil’, even if I was the one who brought Her up.  I just wanted to yell and scream when the thought of Her entered my mind.  I’m not saying I am over Her of have forgiven Her at all, but at the moment, I’m not breaking down while writing about this unfortunate woman.  This is quite a breakthrough, amazingly.

Recently, I felt that I was ready to move on when it comes to this Other Woman.  She is a dark chapter from the Affair that I am ready to be done with.  To me, the email wasn’t harsh or hurtful; yes there are a line or two that could sting, but in general, it was a final message that I needed Her to know before I move on.  I don’t know if she will reply, but from what I know of Her, she is quite the coward and would probably internalize everything and not satisfy me with a reply.  Not that I need a reply.  At the very least I just want to know that she did read and acknowledge the message.

Well this is another milestone in this Post Affair times.  In the past, I have obsessed and thought over and over again about what to say to this person and now I am glad I finally sent the letter.  I hope things will be quiet and not tantrum-my back at work on Tuesday, so my husband won’t have to deal with any of her stupid issues.  If I do hear anything from her though, I just might share Her reply with everyone.

In the meantime, have a wonderful, happy and stress free Memorial Day Weekend!

Heartache

Sitting at home last night while I cried for an hour

As he sat next to me and held me tight

Thinking of the past, so much has happened in such little time

It’s not the present that made me cry, it’s the memories of the painful past

Sometimes the thought of You, the one I care and love the most

Could do those hurtful things to me

It’s too much to keep in my heart

So I just have to let the tears go

We whispered things back and forth

You said plenty to make me feel loved and cherished

And I could see regret and pain in your eyes

I know you’re trying so hard and it’s not fair

I‘m truly sorry I was sad yet again

As you can see I’m still healing, I don’t know when this will end

So please be patient while we go through this together