Tomorrow is our Wedding Anniversary. Our 13th Anniversary. For weeks and weeks now, I have had the hardest time dealing with that awful past. Maybe subconsciously, I’ve been dreading this time of the year. Personally, I prefer to say that we’ve only been married for about 2 years now. Those years before year 11 seem so fake and useless that they could lead to something horrific and a life shattering moment. Rather than writing about it, I’d like to share a couple of emails between my husband and I from this recent bout of my personal dealings with this Affair business. I hope this will help some women whom are hurting now and to give hope to everyone.
On Wed, May 23, 2012 at 6:02 PM, (Fighter And Survivor) wrote:
Nobody knows why there is an absolute need for me to do this. To go back to that past and break it down piece by piece. During that difficult time, everything was a blur to me, which I’m sure is even worse for you whether it’s by choice or your mind’s great ability to save you from more pain. If the tragedy came with a black box then there is probably no need for this, but alas there is no such thing. Writing this, I’m not sad or emotional so please don’t be alarmed or worried by this long note. I just need to get this out and I need for you to read and hopefully help in any way you can.
As we put more and more distance from that past, I can see a little more clearly regarding those early months. I can now understand what exactly (or close) has happened and hopefully they will be put deep in my mind once the mystery of it all has been unraveled.
As we both know, it all boils down to the fact that you were probably just trying to be a nice guy. Your guilt made you confess on that sad Monday evening but the confession was already too much for the both of us, you couldn’t possibly tell me what you really wanted. You had felt how painful it was for you and could only imagine how it must have been for me. Days later you were trying hard to break it to me gently but you couldn’t be the one to say that you have found who you thought was the love of your life at the time and that you wanted more than anything to be with that new person. Furthermore, you couldn’t possibly see how we could ever get back together much less being happy again. What had happened usually destroys marriages, not make them stronger.
For days and days you tried to convince me to be the one to leave. But unfortunately, I was only able to hear all those things you said, but I still didn’t get your drift. I don’t think my mind would have let me. I was alone and terrified of my future. Then as weeks passed, you had a little bit more courage and succeeded in convincing me to agree for a separation. Although it must have been tough to see me go, how joyful you must have felt as you couldn’t wait to start your new life with that unfortunate being. It started with a concert; what should have been our concert. You should have just been honest with me and said you would rather go with her. And I should have tore up my ticket instead.
During the separation, you and that acted as if nothing had changed. As a matter or fact, it was the time for you to do whatever you wanted to make you happy and more than anything, you wanted the affair with her to continue. And it did. You wanted this alone time to be as selfish as you can make it. It is owed to you.
We know what happened at the end of the 2 weeks. Deep down, I already knew. Why did you think I packed nearly all my personal belongings? Some days before that Friday, (a friend) asked me what I thought your decision would be and I said why would you come back to me. I knew things were better for you than ever before. Even so, it wasn’t easy to really know that we were over. But that weekend, I did actually accept it. And I had no intention on latching on to you or to beg for our relationship. If I were you, I wouldn’t want to deal with me anymore either. I had to plan for my new life which actually happened for quite some time even after I came home. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened to us if our paths didn’t meet again.
This weekend will mark the 2 years since we’ve “gotten back together”. It’s in parenthesis as we both know you were nowhere near ready for what that really meant. And I’m still trying to understand what was going on between the 2 of you months and months after.
I hope I didn’t make you so sad with this. It’s never my intention. You know that I love you more than anything; you’re right next to (baby). I hope to read what your thoughts are on this.
I am sorry if my thoughts are incoherent, but my mind is filled with so much that I want to say, but there is not enough time to say it all. I will, in time, write it all down for you. So please be patient with me.
I understand completely why you have a need to do this. I understand exactly why you have questions. I know because I have questions on how I could do what I did, how I could let myself be lead astray, how I could do that to you. Not just that, how I could put someone else’s feelings even on the same level as yours is beyond me. I don’t know how or why. I have this problem with religion mainly because nothing that I did was “me”. I have lived my life a certain way and that year was not me at all.
Those weeks we separated, I did see her on Sundays and talked to her at work, but that was really it. I spent a lot of time alone. I drank myself to sleep a lot. I lost a lot of weight because I wasn’t eating. I tried to make myself believe that I was happy with the freedom to do as I pleased and to come and go as I pleased, but I was honestly a wreck. Yes, I went to the concert with her. I didn’t plan that out. I don’t know why I did. I was an idiot. I don’t remember the concert at all. I got there and I drank. I was clearly not right, but I don’t know why I was doing what I was doing.
I let myself believe that the life we lived wasn’t the life that either of us really wanted. I had a million things going thru my head at any given moment and I had reasons for everything. None of them makes much sense to me now. I tried to get you to see what I was seeing, because I didn’t want you to not understand. I was wrong for everything. I feel like I was being led by a force beyond me. I was in trouble and just wanted to be away from everyone to think about things.
Our marriage has been a tough one. We both have suffered from expectations not being met. I know I am not the perfect husband. I know that I do things that you would never in a million years do or like. I also know that I would die for you. I would give you the world if it were mine to give and I would never look back. You have gotten me to where I am and I beat myself up everyday because I don’t know how I could have done something so horrific to you. I was a selfish child.
In the days after our last separation, I had nightmares every night of the last time I saw you. I had never seen so much pain in your face before. I still can’t breathe when I think of that day. My life has never been more meaningless, than it was in that moment. I am eternally sorry, (me). My love of my life. I don’t know where I would be without you. The world is full of so many lies, you are my truth. My son is my truth. The 2 of you keep me together more than you know.
I don’t like to think about what would happen if we were apart. We were meant to be together. I felt at the time that we needed to find out who we were apart before we could get better together. That was a mistake on my part. There is no way that we can do it if we don’t work together. I now see it and am haunted by the stupidity of my ways.
I don’ t know what to say about the months after we got back together. I tried off and on to just have no contact and things were bad at work. So I allowed the “friendship” continue, but I had already stopped sharing anything personal of myself. I was withdrawing and she knew it. I kept in contact because she was a jealous, possessive thing that wouldn’t react normally to our circumstances. We both knew what we did was wrong, but she wanted to believe that things could still have been better. I knew that we would never be the same, but I continued, thinking that she would have found a job soon. That never happened and I started to withdraw more. I wrote (his blog and emails to the cow) like nothing was happening, because that is the way we always left things. Leave on a good note instead of a bad. It was ignorant and beyond naive. I hate her for making me feel guilty for choosing MY WIFE. But she was desperate. I know that now. I’m ashamed.
Please forgive me. I will be here forever for you. I will help you through this as much as I can. Trust me when I say that there is NOTHING ever going to be happening between her and I EVER again. I will NEVER pursue a personal relationship with that again. We are stronger because of this and your trust is something that I know that I will have again one day. I know that we will be the strongest family in the world. We already know how fragile life is. We know how precious our family is and NEITHER of us will do anything to jeopardize it.
(me), I love you more than life itself. Nothing in this life is worth anything without you. I try to make you see my point of view because I want you to understand my perspective, but know that I would never chose anything over you, EVER. Thank you for staying by my side. I will never leave yours. For the whole of my life, you will be the greatest thing to have ever happened to me (and baby).
I love you.
Wishing everyone Love, Happiness and Strength…