Quick Note

6 Jan

Hi everyone,

I’m so touched with all the support I’ve received ever since my last post.  With the holidays, and spending as much time together as a family not to mention the typical day to day business, I just never have time to reply to everyone’s comments.  Know that I appreciate all your support and comforting words on mine and Not Over It’s blog.  I love you all.  Will be back soon.

An Ex-Cheater’s Response: A Conversation with My Husband, Part 2

20 Dec

Be very careful what you wish for.  For me, one wish was fulfilled but what came along with it was a whole lot of hurt and pain.  As a Betrayed Spouse, all I ever wanted was the truth, the WHOLE truth and nothing left unturned.  I wanted to know anything and everything about the Affair.  And for months and months, my husband and I have been communicating through email in regards to getting all those details out in the open.  I wanted to know his thoughts and when I was at a loss, I tried to make sense of things in the emails I’ve written to him.  In return, he has expressed many things over these months which have helped me tremendously (but also hurt like a son of a bitch).  Rather than rewriting everything again, it would be easier to just show you our emails.  I’ll start with one of my respond emails that not only made him left work early that day but also made him stay home for the next 4 days.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

(2 years and 8 months after D-Day)

I am beyond sad.  My heart is crushed for the umpteenth time.  Your betrayal is unimaginable.  You say you’ve never stopped loving me but it was clear that you didn’t regard me as anything much back then.  I was the FPO thing in your life.  You knew you didn’t want her but you still needed to keep me around just in case.
 
How much was I worth back then compared to now?  If you love me then and could still betray my trust yet again, what’s stopping you from betraying and hurting me again now or in the future just so you can do whatever it is you need or want to do for fear of losing your job, or your dignity or whatever else your justification will be next.  Where was your heart when you were ( ) AFTER we got back together, knowing what I needed from you to regain my trust and not to do certain things ESPECIALLY that.  For you to be able to do that after we were still working things out and supposedly on our way to happiness, was pure heartless.  You were no better than she.  And she was lower than garbage.  Did you notice that I rarely asked you details about the actual affair, because I understood why you did what you did.  I can empathize how unhappy you must have been to be able to cheat on me.  But this, this is pure disregard of my feelings, my trust, my love and everything that I ever mean to you.  You knew you shouldn’t do it, this is betrayal at the highest level.
 
Why did you keep doing stupid things?  Why wasn’t my well being your most important thing then?  Why was I thrown away again and again just to make her happy?
 
It wasn’t easy to be able to go through all of this, to have a baby, to raise him as best as I could, and not drown myself in tears and lose all self confidence and self esteem.  I feel like shit.  I feel as if I’m trash.  I feel as if I’m nothing.  I feel useless as a woman and as a human being.  Of all people I know in this world, you are the one man I love most, right next to (our baby).  I don’t put anyone else above you and baby.  I could never be able to do anything close to destroying your heart especially now and I am crushed that you could do that to me.  You were supposed to love me.  After all that we’ve been through, you were supposed to cherish and protect me from further pain.
 
I am destroyed, yet again.
My husband, the ex cheater’s, full and hopefully final confession.

This is everything.  Nothing else hidden.  No excuses.  First let me say that I love my life with you.  If you decide to never speak to me again, I would be devastated, but understanding.  While I may never recover from this whole thing, if this is what you need to move on then I have to do this.

I don’t know what we have already talked about and what will come up in the future, so I will tell as much as I remember.

This whole thing started after the layoffs.  We started talking too much about personal feeling and I think that we both felt sorry for each other.  She had been taken advantage of and I had a lot of problems.  I shared way too much and should never have trusted anyone but you with the information that I shared with her.  When I first went to her place I wasn’t afraid, I was upset with my life and was willing to throw our marriage away to try and give me an excuse to live.  The truth is, it really could have been anyone.  I regret that I had to involve another person in this, but once it started there was no going back.  I went to her place a couple of times and that was it.  We still were very close at work though.  Having lunch, getting coffee, happy hours, we were still talking way too much.  I was getting life advice from someone that wanted to be a major part of my life.  The sex was not good, that isn’t the reason I went back.  It was just different to not have someone so disappointed in me that they would verbally say that I had to do it again because they weren’t satisfied.  I was humiliated enough at home, that I thought that something was seriously the matter with me.  I was tired of other people talking about their sex lives and just the importance of sex and I treated sex like a chore.

After the HPV diagnosis I told her.  She was upset and that was the end of things.  She got checked and her doctor said that she was clean.  From then on, she fought to convince me that you made up the HPV thing to try and get me back.  We stopped talking for a while.  I didn’t have anything to say.  I was supposed to make a choice whether I wanted to work on our marriage or not.  I had to decide if I believed that you were now willing to change and work on us or pick a life where I had to start over with this mistake.  In many ways, it would have been easy to just start all over, but we had so much past that is more than I could ever ignore.  I couldn’t see her inserted into my life in any way shape or form and I couldn’t see myself inserted into her life.  But it didn’t end there.

(The diagnosis that changed EVERYTHING.  D-Day happened following an appointment with my doctor and I was over the moon when I told my husband that we can still try for a baby.  I assume his guilt made him confessed.  And what a pathetic, desperate shit excuse of a woman… I never knew she was this callow and weak until now)

I don’t know dates or when things happen, believe me when I tell you that I have vague recollections at best of that time.  My head was swimming in problems and constantly trying to figure out what to do in my personal life while trying to look like nothing is wrong at work was killing me.  When you went to S*** B****,  I was destroyed.  (We separated as he had believed it was what we needed and I chose to leave instead)  I don’t know why I called her.  But she showed up after I was there.  I drank a lot that night.  Way more than I ever had.  I don’t remember the concert or leaving.  Just her taking me to my car the next day.  I don’t remember talking to her on the way back to my car.  In a way, I was happy that I found a way to forget things.  But I wasn’t happy to be with her at the moment.  I didn’t want to be leading anyone on.  I really wanted to be left alone.  I just needed a person to talk things over with and my circle of people consisted of her and you.  I never had any friends to help me with anything.  I kept calling her and she would always show up, even if I didn’t ask for her to.  This is why I was always around her, it is because she put herself wherever I was.  I shouldn’t have let her, but I really thought that I could trust that I could talk and that would be it. 

At some point in the week after, I just started feeling like nothing would ever get better.  Talking with my mother, my father, K, her.  Everyone said that if I was happy during the separation, then maybe that it was best.  I felt free, but I still cried every night for the life that I wanted before.  I still wanted to be free with a person that knew who they were and what they wanted.  You didn’t seem to know anything except that you wanted me.  She didn’t seem like she wanted anything but me.  I was confused.  And that day when I was supposed to make a decision.  I think that I let it all get to me to the point of me not being able to say anything.  I was completely speechless.  I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t say it. 

(This is when, at 6 weeks after D-Day and 2 weeks of separation, he had finally decided that he didn’t want to work on our marriage and that he didn’t believe we had any future together.  I was crushed and made plans to go on with my life)

After that night I started drinking regularly.  It helped me sleep.  I couldn’t deal with myself.  Sleeping after drinking tuned everything out.  This went on daily until you sent that email.  (The Tuesday following the break-up, I emailed her, cc-ing my husband and some of his close co-worker friends, thanking her for destroying my marriage and telling everyone that my husband and I were over)  I had been going home alone every night from that point on.  I didn’t want her.  We were officially separated and that is when I was slipping from her as well.  When you sent that email, I was thinking of how I could somehow make things work with us.  But that email and her reaction to it at work, it made me somehow feel sorry for her.  I don’t know why.  She deserved it, but I don’t know what I was thinking.  I called L and talked to him about what was going on in my head.  L thought it best to let you go and cool down for a while and see if things themselves out in the future.  I didn’t know what to do or where I stood.  I figured that my job was gone after that.  Everyone would know and being a disruption would be the end of my job.  It wasn’t.  I shouldn’t have cared about my job or the people there.  Now it seems so foolish.

When I said that I was at a low when I had sex with her at our home.  I honestly was at a low.  I thought that I had lost you forever and she had shown up out of the blue, because I hadn’t talked to her in a couple of days and she wanted to see where I stood with her.  I was the one crying my eyes out in her car, not the other way around.  I wasn’t crying for her, but for you.  I was crying to her about you.  Somehow she had to use the restroom and it just happened as she was about to leave.  I didn’t want to do it.  It wasn’t romantic or anything.  I did it and just sent her out the door.  I knew that it was the end.  I knew that there was no feelings for her in that way.  I messed up.  She should have just remained friends.  I knew it, but she swore that we were meant for each other.

(Nope, this wasn’t what broke me.  It had taken me a while to finally confront him about sex at our home, but I already had nagging suspicions about them.)

Shortly after that you moved back in.  That Monday that I had to talk to her happened.  I went to her house and nothing happened but talking and crying.  The next couple of weeks were really hard at work.  She was clearly disturbed.  Not just in an upset way.  Like really disturbed.  I was talking to P a lot at that point.  I didn’t know what to do, but I had to do something.  I didn’t want her to hurt herself o somehow show up at our house and do something stupid.  A couple weeks after we started just dealing with each other at work again.  This went on for a couple of weeks and back to not speaking and then back again.  Once I was blogging, we never really spoke.  I don’t know why or how it all got started, but I never expected her to start blogging as well.  When I stopped blogging she got upset.  And the disturbed side of her came out.  I didn’t want anything bad to happen and all of that talk of hope wasn’t really direct at making her think that she had a chance with me, but that things weren’t so bad in her life that she can’t move on and that life would get better.  I was still trying to cushion her suffering.  I felt bad for dragging her into the mess with me.  I felt guilty to both of you because I wasn’t man enough to deal with my problems before they became monumental issues. 

I booked the trip to Europe to have a date that I would come back home and start fresh.  I just needed to be away from you, to let you deal with being at home and know that I wasn’t “with” her.  I needed to get away from her, so she can grieve or do whatever she needed to do while I wasn’t there every day and start fresh.  Before I left, she tried hard to plead her case.  She wanted me to take her with me.  She said that the London trip should have been for her and I.  (What a PSYCHO)  I knew that she wasn’t right.  I met with her in her car before I my last day in town.  She drove around and pleaded me to admit that I never had feelings for her and that she meant nothing to me, that everything I ever said was a lie.  She was screaming and she drove me to her place.  Against my better judgment I went up and thought this is what I had to do to make this craziness end.  If I could just make her know that I feel nothing for her, this failed final attempt to keep me and my going away would seal this whole affair forever.  It was like burying a body hoping that it was go away forever, but I knew that it would never stay buried.  I had sex with her and I told her that this was the end. But she wanted to make it seem like nothing so she wanted me to talk to her from London, as if all was ok.  Until the day that I returned and then it would be over.  I agreed, if only to make this go away.  I needed some assurance that this was going to end and she said agreed.  I was so afraid that she was be so distraught that she would try to continue winning me over so I did whatever she wanted me to until this.  My return from Europe was my line in the sand.  I couldn’t do it anymore.

(And BAM.  There it is.  He had sex with her 3 whole months after we had reconciled.  He knew he wasn’t even supposed to talk to her much less do that, of all things, THAT.  The whole time I thought that he was being true to me.  When I read this, my heart was ripped out once again by the man I love.)

I went away on the trip, I wrote her, 2 emails.  But I think I only sent one.  I had purchased a  card for her with a long-winded goodbye. But I ripped it up and threw it in the trash.  Because I knew that she was a mistake and I didn’t want any more connections to her.

I came back from the trip and everything was as planned.  Her and I never spoke.  We were officially done and she was keeping with her end of the bargain.  Until you found the emails and started questioning everything.  You had every right to.  I did wrong, continually. I owed you explanations.  I got so upset then, because now that I finally got her away and out of my life, yes we work in the same building but I don’t deal with her at all anymore, now you find things that have you questioning the past as well as the present.  I have to pay for what I did to you, but I was so sure that everything that I had tried had finally paid off, in the form of cutting her loose and still keeping my job, had worked up until then.  I didn’t want to do things and cover them up.  I just wanted her to go away and leave me alone for good.  At the time, I didn’t feel I could do that unless I played along.  I really should have left my job, but I wasn’t listening to any sort of reason.

From then until now, we don’t speak directly to one another.  There is no need to.  I realize now that it wasn’t HER,  it was the guilt that made me go back to her.  It wasn’t the guilt that made me stay with you.  It was you that made me stay with you. It was the fear of her intervening with us that made me do horrible things.  I had already done the sin, I didn’t think that it would be any worse if I did it once more if it meant that she would leave me alone forever.  There was no hugs or kisses after my return.  There was nothing. 

If this is the final letter that you ever read from me.  If you decided that this has pushed you over the edge and I am not worth your time.  Just know that  I love you more than anything and in the last 2 years, I haven’t been more proud to be with you and have you share my life’s ups and downs.  Through all of this you have shown me what true strength is and I admire you so much for how you handled everything that I put you through.  I promise you that I will respect your decision, whatever it may be.  I will love you whether you are with me or if you chose to cut me loose.  This is not the man that I want (our baby) to know.  I don’t respect that man and I don’t think that that person exists any more.  Know that if you chose to keep me in your life as your husband, I will do whatever it takes to fix the wrongs of my past. 

Would I have married you if we would have waited 2 more years to get married?  Yes.  I would think that I would have probably followed through with the music business and you would have secured a career designing things.  We would have found individual selves before trying to build a union on an unsteady base.  I think that we got off to a rough start.  It was a 12 year rough start. 

I didn’t proofread this and I barely remember many details while typing but I hope that it could give you some closure as far as she is concerned.  I hope that this doesn’t cause further closure as far as we are concerned.  I know that we can make it, but only if we both are working together.  If not, please don’t disappear on me.  I don’t deserve to ask anything of you.  I just don’t want to come home to find you gone from my life forever. 

 

I’m sorry. 

 

I love you.

That day to me, was the second D-Day.  As I’ve told him many times since the discovery, if I had known about it then, I would have left him immediately.  That I know for sure.  We could have ended up back together again later on, or not at all, but I know I wouldn’t have wanted to be with someone who could betray me that deeply once again.  I also wrote that if I didn’t have a baby to take care of after reading the letter, I would have packed my bags and leave.  Not necessarily for good but I just needed to get away.  For the next 3 weeks or so, there was a tremendous amount of hurting and crying at every alone time I get.  But I didn’t want to cry in front of him; I just didn’t want to deal with him while I was in pain.  I just wanted to feel the hurt all by myself.  It made me question him, us, our reconciliation, and everything we have right now, the good and bad.

However, as gut wrenching as that email was (or revelations as I call it), this is undoubtedly something I needed from him.  It was about 2 years too late but would we be where we are right now if he had revealed everything then?  I am not too sure about that.  And that made me feel even more sad as the birth of our precious son could have been erased because of that stupid thing he had done.  It is such a depressing thought.  Even though I have sadness inside and still hurting at times, I believe that this is one of the things I need most to move on.  I feel that the worst is now behind us and we are truly getting a true chance at a new beginning.

Well, so much more to say but so little time… I’d like to wish everyone a happier holidays with less hurting, less obsessing, less regrets, less negativity and other painful things we Betrayed Spouses have to go through and hopefully they stay away for good even after the holidays.  Until next time, take care everyone.

Peace and Love.

The Proof is in the Digital Pudding

28 Sep

The other night I was having a difficult time trying to fall asleep, as I do on most nights.  I was having sad thoughts and flashbacks of that past, as I do on most nights.  However, for some reason, I was trying hard to remember if they had sex on the bed, the very bed that my husband and I are sleeping in every night.  He had told me that they had sex on the sofa downstairs but I swore that I have read that she had been in his bed.  The thoughts keep pounding in my mind and I struggled so much before deciding to read what she had written.  When both my husband and her blog was active back then, I kept a digital copy of their daily writings.  It was hard enough to read about what was written at times, but I knew I needed to keep evidence of this.  I had also made sure I printed a copy of her pathetic and desperate blog every time she posted something new.

Knowing that I have a copy of her blog, I gave in.  I know that I will never destroy what evidence I have but for the first time, in a long long time, I opened the document.  And alas, I knew I was right.  “I can remember staying in your bed and not wanting to go home.  I can remember all the things we did there and how we watched TV and drank that horrible wine” was what she wrote.  I am trying not to have a heart attack as I am writing it.  Why in the hell did I do this?  I’m sure I’m not the only one, so why do we do this to ourselves??  If only I am made of money, I would burn the fucking mattress; and the sofa too just for the hell of it.

Well, I did find what I was looking for and it confirmed my gut feeling.  But it made me feel like shit.  Going through her blog had unearthed all those horrible and disgusting feelings and I felt like I just want to confront her at work and make her leave her job ASAP.  Why couldn’t I just stayed away from the past?  I am still weak, mentally.  In that moment when it’s dark and silent, I feel the worst.  Even though I do cry less and less, my mind is still haunted and spinning like mad.  I know there are things I can do to stop my mind from going there, but at the moment, I don’t have the strength to find it and I just want to wallow in my pain.

TITANIUM

31 Aug

 

I’m feeling a bit inspired tonight.  Recently, Not Over It posted “Music To Vent By” on her awesome blog and I’d like to add to it and keep it going.  Up until tonight, I haven’t really listened to the words of this song by David Guetta featuring the most talented Sia.  It got my blood pumping and I sang it all night long.  Once in a while we need that kick in the butt song and I think this is definitely one of them.

Also, this song is dedicated to all the repulsive, useless, desperate and just plain pathetic Other Women and Men out there (and a little bit to the Ex or still Cheating and Lying Husbands and Wives too).  This is for all the lowlifes who has tried to violate us and bring us down but have FAILED.

because We are TITANIUM.

“Titanium”

You shout it loud, but I can’t hear a word you say

I’m talking loud, not saying much

I’m criticized, but all your bullets ricochet

You shoot me down, but I get up


I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose

fire away, fire away

Ricochet, you take your aim

fire away, fire away

You shoot me down, but I won’t fall

I am titanium

You shoot me down, but I won’t fall

I am titanium


Cut me down, but it’s you who’ll have further to fall

Ghost town and haunted love

Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones

I’m talking loud, not saying much


Stone hard, machine gun

Fired at the ones who run

Stone hard, as bulletproof glass

Sing this at the top of your lungs! Enjoy!

~ The Fighter Side of FAS

An Ex-Cheater’s Response: A Conversation with My Husband Part I

21 Aug

Tomorrow is our Wedding Anniversary.  Our 13th Anniversary.  For weeks and weeks now, I have had the hardest time dealing with that awful past.  Maybe subconsciously, I’ve been dreading this time of the year.  Personally, I prefer to say that we’ve only been married for about 2 years now.  Those years before year 11 seem so fake and useless that they could lead to something horrific and a life shattering moment.  Rather than writing about it, I’d like to share a couple of emails between my husband and I from this recent bout of my personal dealings with this Affair business.  I hope this will help some women whom are hurting now and to give hope to everyone.

On Wed, May 23, 2012 at 6:02 PM, (Fighter And Survivor) wrote:

Nobody knows why there is an absolute need for me to do this.  To go back to that past and break it down piece by piece.  During that difficult time, everything was a blur to me, which I’m sure is even worse for you whether it’s by choice or your mind’s great ability to save you from more pain.  If the tragedy came with a black box then there is probably no need for this, but alas there is no such thing.  Writing this, I’m not sad or emotional so please don’t be alarmed or worried by this long note.  I just need to get this out and I need for you to read and hopefully help in any way you can.

As we put more and more distance from that past, I can see a little more clearly regarding those early months. I can now understand what exactly (or close) has happened and hopefully they will be put deep in my mind once the mystery of it all has been unraveled.

As we both know, it all boils down to the fact that you were probably just trying to be a nice guy.  Your guilt made you confess on that sad Monday evening but the confession was already too much for the both of us, you couldn’t possibly tell me what you really wanted. You had felt how painful it was for you and could only imagine how it must have been for me. Days later you were trying hard to break it to me gently but you couldn’t be the one to say that you have found who you thought was the love of your life at the time and that you wanted more than anything to be with that new person. Furthermore, you couldn’t possibly see how we could ever get back together much less being happy again. What had happened usually destroys marriages, not make them stronger.

For days and days you tried to convince me to be the one to leave. But unfortunately, I was only able to hear all those things you said, but I still didn’t get your drift.  I don’t think my mind would have let me.  I was alone and terrified of my future.  Then as weeks passed, you had a little bit more courage and succeeded in convincing me to agree for a separation. Although it must have been tough to see me go, how joyful you must have felt as you couldn’t wait to start your new life with that unfortunate being. It started with a concert; what should have been our concert. You should have just been honest with me and said you would rather go with her.  And I should have tore up my ticket instead.

During the separation, you and that acted as if nothing had changed.  As a matter or fact, it was the time for you to do whatever you wanted to make you happy and more than anything, you wanted the affair with her to continue. And it did. You wanted this alone time to be as selfish as you can make it.  It is owed to you.

We know what happened at the end of the 2 weeks.  Deep down, I already knew. Why did you think I packed nearly all my personal belongings?  Some days before that Friday, (a friend) asked me what I thought your decision would be and I said why would you come back to me. I knew things were better for you than ever before.  Even so, it wasn’t easy to really know that we were over.  But that weekend, I did actually accept it.  And I had no intention on latching on to you or to beg for our relationship.  If I were you, I wouldn’t want to deal with me anymore either.  I had to plan for my new life which actually happened for quite some time even after I came home.  Sometimes I wonder what would have happened to us if our paths didn’t meet again.

This weekend will mark the 2 years since we’ve “gotten back together”. It’s in parenthesis as we both know you were nowhere near ready for what that really meant.  And I’m still trying to understand what was going on between the 2 of you months and months after.

I hope I didn’t make you so sad with this.  It’s never my intention.  You know that I love you more than anything; you’re right next to (baby).  I hope to read what your thoughts are on this.

Love you.

His reply:
I am sorry if my thoughts are incoherent, but my mind is filled with so much that I want to say, but there is not enough time to say it all.  I will, in time, write it all down for you.  So please be patient with me.

I understand completely why you have a need to do this.  I understand exactly why you have questions.  I know because I have questions on how I could do what I did, how I could let myself be lead astray, how I could do that to you.  Not just that, how I could put someone else’s feelings even on the same level as yours is beyond me.  I don’t know how or why.  I have this problem with religion mainly because nothing that I did was “me”.  I have lived my life a certain way and that year was not me at all.

Those weeks we separated, I did see her on Sundays and talked to her at work, but that was really it.  I spent a lot of time alone.  I drank myself to sleep a lot.  I lost a lot of weight because I wasn’t eating.  I tried to make myself believe that I was happy with the freedom to do as I pleased and to come and go as I pleased, but I was honestly a wreck.  Yes, I went to the concert with her.  I didn’t plan that out.  I don’t know why I did.  I was an idiot.  I don’t remember the concert at all.  I got there and I drank.  I was clearly not right, but I don’t know why I was doing what I was doing.

I let myself believe that the life we lived wasn’t the life that either of us really wanted.  I had a million things going thru my head at any given moment and I had reasons for everything.  None of them makes much sense to me now. I tried to get you to see what I was seeing, because I didn’t want you to not understand.  I was wrong for everything.  I feel like I was being led by a force beyond me.  I was in trouble and just wanted to be away from everyone to think about things.

Our marriage has been a tough one. We both have suffered from expectations not being met.  I know I am not the perfect husband.  I know that I do things that you would never in a million years do or like.  I also know that I would die for you.  I would give you the world if it were mine to give and I would never look back.  You have gotten me to where I am and I beat myself up everyday because I don’t know how I could have done something so horrific to you.  I was a selfish child.

In the days after our last separation, I had nightmares every night of the last time I saw you.  I had never seen so much pain in your face before.  I still can’t breathe when I think of that day.  My life has never been more meaningless, than it was in that moment.  I am eternally sorry, (me).  My love of my life.  I don’t know where I would be without you.  The world is full of so many lies,  you are my truth.  My son is my truth. The 2 of you keep me together more than you know.

I don’t like to think about what would happen if we were apart.  We were meant to be together.  I felt at the time that we needed to find out who we were apart before we could get better together.  That was a mistake on my part.  There is no way that we can do it if we don’t work together.  I now see it and am haunted by the stupidity of my ways.

I don’ t know what to say about the months after we got back together.  I tried off and on to just have no contact and things were bad at work.  So I allowed the “friendship” continue, but I had already stopped sharing anything personal of myself.  I was withdrawing and she knew it.  I kept in contact because she was a jealous, possessive thing that wouldn’t react normally to our circumstances.  We both knew what we did was wrong, but she wanted to believe that things could still have been better.  I knew that we would never be the same, but I continued, thinking that she would have found a job soon.  That never happened and I started to withdraw more.  I wrote (his blog and emails to the cow) like nothing was happening, because that is the way we always left things.  Leave on a good note instead of a bad.  It was ignorant and beyond naive.  I hate her for making me feel guilty for choosing MY WIFE.  But she was desperate.  I know that now.  I’m ashamed.

Please forgive me.  I will be here forever for you.  I will help you through this as much as I can.  Trust me when I say that there is NOTHING ever going to be happening between her and I EVER again.  I will NEVER pursue a personal relationship with that again.  We are stronger because of this and your trust is something that I know that I will have again one day.  I know that we will be the strongest family in the world.  We already know how fragile life is.  We know how precious our family is and NEITHER of us will do anything to jeopardize it. 

(me), I love you more than life itself.  Nothing in this life is worth anything without you.  I try to make you see my point of view because I want you to understand my perspective, but know that I would never chose anything over you, EVER.  Thank you for staying by my side.  I will never leave yours. For the whole of my life, you will be the greatest thing to have ever happened to me (and baby).

I love you.

 

Wishing everyone Love, Happiness and Strength…

Pain Free

11 Jul

A few years ago I injured my back.  The pain was nothing I have ever felt before and it was debilitating.  An MRI was ordered and I discovered that I had, and still have, herniated discs. During the week of the back injury, the pain was so excruciating I even had to pee standing up. In case you’re wonderin’ – in the tub, that’s how.  For months and months after the injury, although it was not as agonizing, I could feel the pain in my lower back everyday.  It was anywhere from sharp pain to minor discomforts. Even with physical therapy, it took me a while to not think about the pain.

When you’ve had to deal with back pain for what seemed to be the longest time, you start asking yourself, “How was it like to not have constant back pain?” “Will I ever be pain free again?”  I was trying so hard to remember that healthier version of myself.  I was craving that normal, painless feeling prior to the injury.

Recently, that familiar feeling was back but nothing physical this time around.  See, up until end of May of this year, I had aches in my heart and my mind every single day.  It started from the moment my husband cried to me while admitting that he had an affair.  Oh, it was only for some weeks he said but I’ve since discovered that the emotional affair had started months back and lasted way past D-Day.

But about a month ago, our family of three left the country to visit my hometown from across the pond.  My family live quite far and as always we decided to spend three weeks there. My husband was fortunate enough to be able to spend three whole weeks there too with a caveat that he would do some work from there.  Aside from seeing my mother, my siblings and my nephews and just to be able to see home again, I was having the most wonderful time. My husband and I spent time together, just hanging out with and without the baby and living day to day without our usual 9-6 routine.  Since that devastating day in April, 2 years ago, I was actually having a happy and stress free time.  Not just little moments here and there, but for days at a time.  It was obvious why I was feeling so stress free.  Even though he was doing some work, he was not physically at work.  He was not sharing space with that lowlife.  He did not have to see her face and that made me happy.

It was so freeing and peaceful.  My mind was calm; I was happier than usual.  I no longer felt anxious and worry which was what I feel every time he leaves for work.

Alas, three weeks were up and we had to go home.  And for a couple of weeks or so, I was feeling depressed.  I think I still have some sadness while writing this.  That happy and stress free feeling I felt slowly melted away and is now gone.  I forgot what it was like to forget.  I had a taste of how things should be and I want more of it.  Yes, of course I am happy with my husband and my son as they are the reason for my being and I love them to death.  But now that I know a happier and better life is possible, I cannot stop thinking and wishing for it.  I’ve mentioned this to my husband when he noticed how down I was.  We talked, I cried and now he is more determined than ever to change our situation.  Find a new job or a new venture, sell this house and find a new home to make new happy memories.

So in the meantime, I will try my best and wait patiently for that new change and not let sad thoughts get the best of me so much.  I will remember that happy and stress free time in my hometown.  And I will also keep my back (and hopefully my mind) healthy because I don’t ever want to forget what it is like to be pain free.

A not so Happy Friday.

19 May

I called my husband this afternoon, as usual, and he said he was walking back from getting coffee with a coworker whom I actually just met yesterday.  I assumed he was getting coffee from the usual chain coffee spot which is where he always gets his coffee and it’s practically walking distance from his office.  However, today, I’ve been receiving text messages from our Credit Card company for any purchases made since yesterday as it had a fraud alert on it.  As I hung up with my husband, I saw a new text from the Credit Card company saying there was a purchase made at another coffee place.  And no, it’s not the usual chain coffee spot, but from a cafe that my husband had gone to in the past, during and after the Affair mess but most importantly, it’s the whore’s favorite coffee spot.

Dammit! Now why in the hell didn’t he just tell me that he had gone there when we were on the phone?  When he called me back from his desk, I asked if he had lunch.  Maybe that was where he had gone to for lunch and maybe he would then say that he was at the place that I hate so much, let’s call it The C Cafe.  But no, he said he didn’t have time for lunch.  Alrighty then.  I then said I received a text message from the CC company saying there was a purchase made at that C Cafe.  He quickly said, “Yeah, that’s what I was going to tell you…”  Well why didn’t he just say it before then?  Did he say that only because I knew about it?  Of course, now toxic thoughts start to form in my head.  Should I be worried that the female co-worker that he was with was actually Her?  I was driving in traffic with our son in the back seat and I just didn’t want this whole thing on my head for the rest of the day, but we all know that it is much too late for that.  So I asked, “Did you go with Her?” He quickly said, “No!  She’s not even here!”  I actually do believe that as I was just at his office yesterday simply because that whorebag had been out for a few days.  So it is very possible that she is still out today.

But all of this is a huge trigger for me!  The fact that he had went there in the first place without telling me and admitted it only because I already knew.  This is another painful reminder that I am still not done with that horrible past.  There is always a possibility that he could be having contact with her, if he wanted to.  If your Betrayed Spouse ever have a chance to leave their company after D-Day, DO IT!  Don’t delay the inevitable, JUST DO IT!  Or you will forever have Triggers, Anxiety and Stress from the fact that they are still working in the same department.  If there is one regret, it is that.  He should have left his company right after our reconciliation even though that wretched woman did say that she would be leaving the company soon.  Well, that surely didn’t happen and now we are stuck.  The choice for leaving is not that easy anymore and everything is dependent on his income, now more than ever.

At this moment, I feel like I am back there during those months after D-Day.  Feeling lost, not knowing what my future will be and mostly that insecure feeling I had in my marriage and in him.  Trust can be fleeting and he still doesn’t have 100% from me just yet.  When he gets back from work tonight he will see that I am not happy, no matter how hard I try to conceal my true feelings.  But then I don’t care to hide this one from him at all.  This one is a big deal to me and we will talk about it.

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